Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
