How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
