I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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