I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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