My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
