Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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