I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
