Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
