Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
