I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
