Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
as a side note pls kill me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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