i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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