OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
