How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
