there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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