He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
