Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
