I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
