I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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