pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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