the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
