i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
