I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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