I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
