I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
