can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
