you traded sex for a burrito?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
