take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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