Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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