I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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