i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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