My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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