I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
