The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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