Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
