Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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