It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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