i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
