I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
