I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
