She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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