guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
