Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
