Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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