It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
