I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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