dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am naked and annoyed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
