You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
