do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
