Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
