masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize