She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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