even my farts smell like vagina
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
