dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
