No stitches, just platelets and will power
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need to sanitize my soul.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
