ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
