my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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