i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They took my balls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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